Intimacy Fears: Do you have a hidden fear of intimacy?
Intimacy fears are the fear of being too close to someone despite our very desire for love and intimate partnership.
Signs of a fear of intimacy:
Perpetually single
Fall for unavailable men
Perfectionist tendencies
Inability to express needs
Quick to find fault
Lose interest once he develops interest
When intimacy fears are triggered, they activate other deep, unresolved fears in us. To avoid feeling the unresolved fear, we unconsciously create distance to make ourselves feel safe.
Intimacy fears can look like:
Finding yourself perpetually single despite your deepest desire to be in relationship.
Chasing men who are unavailable (emotionally unavailable or not commitment ready) and run from ones that are commitment ready.
Suffering from perfectionism — overcome by the feeling you have to show up looking or acting perfect to get love when you are with a man you really like & hide from showing your authentic, vulnerable self.
You have difficulty expressing your needs - this leaves you feeling unsupported, underneath it is a feeling of being undeserving of another's support. It often shows up as expecting others to read our mind about what we want. The inability of a partner to understand our unexpressed needs leads to a vicious cycle of resentment, and further hinders intimacy.
You are quick to find fault. You may be quick to spot harmless qualities that a man is not good enough, all the while keeping yourself safe in the cycle of always being single.
You lose interest once he develops interest, often pulling away from safe, consistent, steady love -- underneath it is the feeling that this type of love feels boring, still addicted to the drama of unavailable love.
There are a number of things that might cause someone to fear intimacy despite the fact that consciously they deeply desire to be in a loving supportive relationship. Underneath a fear of intimacy is usually an unprocessed abandonment wound. While an abandonment wound is invisible to the eye, it leaves telltale signs in our life. An abandonment wound can stem from physical abuse, verbal abuse, having been adopted, an emotionally unavailable parent, a physically absent parent, parents divorce, or a seemingly benign event like being left at summer camp before being ready to leave home.
The patterns seen with a fear of intimacy act as a defense mechanism to protect us from getting hurt in love again. Often there is an unconscious inner narrative running that developed in childhood; when this event happened we developed an unconscious association about what love is, perhaps the belief that love equals pain, love always leaves, or love can’t be trusted. This old unconscious narrative is running our love life like outdated software and despite our best effort to get what we want, we keep finding ourselves without the love we desire.
Intimacy fears are like a wall around our heart. While their function is to essentially protect us from being hurt, they also keep good men and love at an arm’s distance from us.
I have seen all of these aspects in myself in the past; it took a very long time for me to see my own fear of intimacy because I wanted love so much it didn’t make sense that I could fear it.
I was also stuck in a cycle of projecting my fear of intimacy onto men, which looked like me getting mad that seemingly no men I attracted in my life wanted commitment. Now that I’ve healed on the inside I find commitment minded men in abundance; that is the power of inner work. Do you notice any of these patterns in yourself?
If you are struggling in your relationships with men and your love life is just not where you hoped it would be by now, reach out to schedule a complimentary discovery HERE with me and let’s see how I can help.